Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas??!!

Yuck! I can't wait for this year to be over... so I can start fresh. I should be getting some +++ PG tests right around now, and giving my IM the best news of her life. Maybe this has also kept me from getting into the spirit. I just feel awful that this was supposed to be such an exciting time in her life, and my life as well and instead I just feel blah! I can't wait for these months to be over, and to kind of start new and fresh. I just need to get past the disappointment of what did and didn't happen when I went to NY.

I hope that my IM is working past that too- to help create her dream of having a baby! Sending her lots of love and luck this Chritsmas.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I should be...

I can't wait for this month to be over. Every milestone of this month is a tough one... because its all the things that should be happening... I should be testing right now. I should be peeing on a stick waiting to see the pretty line and waiting to call my IM to give her some really great news... But here I sit... no stick peeing for me. Well, I could but it wouldn't be very much fun.

So, I hope that she knows I am thinking her and wishing her a very wonderful Thanksgiving. I know that things didn't turn out the way we had planned or hoped, but I still think about her. I still hope that she is able to have the sweet baby her heart longs for.

I wonder if she will ever be able to move forward without regrets. The clinic said they wouldn't work with me, because of my weight. When she finds a smaller surro, what happens if she doesn't get pregnant? Will my IM ever be ok? Will she spend time questioning herself and the clinic, about their choice? I pray that she does find the perfect person and that it works out wonderfully for her. I just don't want her to endure any more heart ache.

My heart is thinking of you. I hope you having a wonderful Thanksgiving, full of Love and Laughter, and know you will always carry a special place in my heart.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I should be....

I should be in NY this week, getting pregnant. I should be spending time with my IM as we prepare for a transfer and enjoy this time of excitement and being nervousness. I am sad. Sad that this week has come and gone, and nothing has come of it. Sad that I am sitting at home today thinking that a month from now, I could have been giving this wonderful lady the best news of her life, telling her I was pregnany with her baby. Instead I sit here with an empty heart and an empty uterus.

I hope that where ever my IM is tonight, she knows that she is in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope that God brings her amazing things in her future. She is such a special lady and I really hope that she is able to become a mother through this journey. I know it works, I have seen it work, and although I haven't give up on my dreams of helping someone, I think I needed to get through this month and past this date that they had said in my head, to feel the pain and the loss of this journey.

"M" will always hold a very special place in my heart and I hope that someday I see a picture of her holding her sweet baby!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Its finally setting in!

The fact that my journey ended before it really started has really set in. I haven't heard from my IM, and I don't really feel like its my place to call her anymore. So, I will leave her be and she knows how to find me if she wants to talk. I really wish her all the best in her journey to becoming a mother.

I am sad... but I have to find a way to pick myself up and go on the search again to find IP's to help. I just don't know where to start now. I am working on loosing some weight. Thats a tough thing for me, but something I really need to do... otherwise, I just don't know how to move past the sadness I feel about the loss of that relationship. Where do I start looking? How do I go about finding an RE that will work with based on my weight as it is now and find IP's at the same time? Its all so complicated!

Things were supposed to be so different and I am sad that they are this way. I was supposed to be planning my next trip to NY and finalizing my contract, not being sad for the loss of a journey with someone I couldn't wait to help! UGH! Its just not fair!

Saturday, October 23, 2010


Thats how I feel. Crushed. I don't understand how people have no compassion for the things other people do or go through.

After my wonderful trip to New York, and leaving the RE's office, thinking that everything was a go, I recieved a call Thursday afternoon that just totally crushed me. I don't understand how they lead someone on, and don't even think twice about it. They decided that they won't work with me, because of my weight. I just don't understand why they didn't say that 3 months ago, when all this started. Its just not fair. Its not fair to my IM and its not fair to me. Her and I have grown so close and we had so many things planned out in our heads. We talked on the phone all the time. Its just not fair. I am heartbroken for her, because she is now back to starting over at square one. They knew all of this info while I was there, and had no issues with things. They knew before I came, and they had even told me that I would be back in just a few short weeks. Why did they not say anything when I was there? It makes no sense to me. I just don't understand it.

All I can do is sit here and try to think of how I can make this still happen. I can't change how much I weigh over night. Sure, give me a few months and I can... but we had plans, that are all now ruined. I feel so bad for my IM, and so lost that this dream, which was finally coming true has been dashed. I feel like we are being lied to, and that there are other reasons, that they aren't telling me.

I am going to try and get through the weekend and then call, once all my thoughts are together and talk to my IM about things, and see what she really thinks. I am just lost. Dreams were taken away just like that, with no consideration for anyones feelings and it sucks.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

New York!

I am in NEW YORK!!! What a great day! Today was the best day! I couldn't have asked for things to go any smoother! :) I got up this morning at about 8:30am, showered and got dressed. I had a little breakfast here in the hotel, and then walked around a little just checking things out. A little after ten I caught my first Taxi ever, and headed over to New Hope Fertility Center. The ride was uneventful, but crazy! I got there about 10:40, and as I was standing in line, my IM was behind me and said... Kristen? I turned around and there she was... It was like-- how awesome that we were there at the same time, checking in and she knew me from behind! :) The appt. went fairly smoothly and pretty quickly! First my IM and I talked with the counselor, and she explained everything to us, as to how things would go, what to expect and the process! So excited! No Shots! They don't do shots, so I won't have to poke myself so that makes me happy! We will transfer a 5 day frozen emby! She explained that my lining needs to be between a 7-9 and how the meds I am taking will work, and when I can test positive.

After we talked, I went to pee in the cup and have my blood drawn. So, like 5 viles of blood later, and all that fun stuff, I went for my sono. This is a ton of fun as well, since its the end of my cycle, but everything looked good. My lining is at 7mm, right now. So- thats good!

Things look like they will move along fairly quickly and we are looking at a November Transfer! I can't believe how fast things are going...

After I left that Dr. we went to the Shrink. This to me was a big joke, but whatever! I got there and took the True/False test. Only 567 questions, which really is like the same 25 questions as a different way 100 times! The Dr. didn't talk to me about much, so I really don't understand what the point of this was, specially since I already had the social worker at my house a few months ago!

When we got done with these appointments, my IM and I spent the day together! We went to Times Square! It was so much fun to see all that stuff. I saw the New Years Eve Ball, the M & M factory, The Hersey Factory, and the Biggest Toys R Us ever!!! My girls are going to be so jealous! It had a Ferris wheel inside the toy store!

I came back to the hotel, and my IM made the trip back home. I decided no point in sitting in my room alone, and took a walk around. At first I was a little nervous, but once I got out an about it was a blast. I went to the Empire State Building! It was cold up there, but it was really neat to see the lights and everything from up there! I did a little shopping for my kids and then has some pizza and a coke and came back to my room!

So, tomorrow back to Denver I go! I miss the kiddos, but this was a really fun trip. Looks like I should be back here again in about 3 weeks, and testing positive (the power of positive thinking here) somewhere around Thanksgiving if all goes according to plan...

Friday, October 15, 2010

Countdown to New York....

The countdown has begun! I can't believe I will in New York three days from now! Where does the time go?? I can't believe that its already here. I am so excited to meet "M" and for us to get to talk. It will be so nice to put a face to her voice and just actually see her. I am a little nervous about things like being in the big city alone. Everyone says it will be ok- and I will be just fine, but I don't do things alone, so this is a big step for me. I just can't wait! It will be a busy time for me, but I really just can't wait for this part of the process to be over, and for me to be pregnant. It seems that this is all the really the work that takes so much time. Just more waiting than anything. Waiting for this test, waiting for this appoitment. So, once this trip is over, I think its smooth sailing from here on out. Or so I hope, but I guess only time will tell! Either way... expect an update mid week, letting you know the next steps in this journey.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Clinic Date!

I can't believe that this is really happening! I finally have a clinic date! I will be going to NY on the 18th, with my appt on the 19th at 11:00 am! I can't wait to go and meet my IM, and get this step of the process over with. I am excited to get my transfer date and start making plans! I can't wait to find an exciting way to tell my IM that I am pregnant. I don't just want to call her on the phone, I want to tell her in some exciting way.... To make her day wonderful. I sometimes start to wonder if all this can really be going this smoothly and this great. I guess when its meant to be its meant to be!

So, I am off to the big city on the 18th and I can't wait to blog about the experience my the time my IM and I get to spend together! :) Its going to be wonderful, I just know it!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

So excited

I am so excited for the next step in this journey that, I can't sleep sometimes, just laying in my bed thinking about how wonderful if will be to see the look on my IM face when she gets to hear that babies heartbeat for the first time, or when she holds that baby right when he/she is born. I just can't wait. If I could be pregnant tomorrow I would be! I know that the time will come, its just a matter of time before I am peeing on a stick like a man woman, and believe me, I can pee on a stick with the best of them!

I can't wait to tell her she is going to be a mommy! :)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

This is really happening...

Tonight, I talked to my IM, she said her clinic has reviewed my charts and she has been given the go ahead to set up my first clinic appointment... SO!!!! She is going to call tomorrow and see what the appointments look like, and then.... its time to book my first trip to NY, for my intial clinic appointment, and meeting my IM, for the first time! ! I am so totally excited! I can not believe after all this time, this is finally happening.

I have been wanting to do this for so long, and things are working out better than I could have ever planned! I think that God truely has a hand in what is happening right now, and I feel blessed to a part of this!

I wish I could write more, but I don't know much as of yet! Hopefully we will have a clinic appointment in 2-4 weeks, and start cycling 2 weeks after that, and be pregnant by the first of the year.... Thats my hope... we will see if my timeline really pans out! :)

Friday, May 28, 2010


Its been almost a year since I posted here! Mostly because things just have been at a stand still. A week ago I recieved an email from the Agency, that said I had IP's interested in having a phone converstation with me! Yippppeee! How exciting can that be! So, we scheduled a conference call for this week! Wednesday we had a wonderful chat about all the important things, over the phone, I got to talk to both the IM and the IF, and they seem sweet as can be!

Thursday morning, I called to let the agency know that I was interested in moving forward.. The moment she answered the phone she said I hope you are calling with good news! :) She had just literally recieved and an email from the IP's saying that they really liked me and wanted to move forward as well.

So, thats where we are. I am in the process of collecting my records to be sent to the clinic and then we will be moving on from there! :) How freaking exciting is this? I am so happy that this is finally happening. I keep picturing, the day I give birth and handing that tiny baby off to its parents, and seeing the joy in their faces knowing I helped make this possible!

:) Stay tuned as things progress!