Monday, May 28, 2012

"Giving a baby away"

I feel like this blog is needed to explain or perhaps help people understand that I am not "giving away a baby".  I hear this expression a lot- how are you just going to give away a baby.  I don't expect people to understand.   I don't even know if its possible for people to understand unless they have the desire to do it-  Unless you want to be a surrogate and you want to help someone in this way- then you might feel like people are just giving away babies...

I am not giving away a baby.  The baby(babies) that are currently growing inside my belly are not mine.  They do not belong to me... Sure- they are inside me... where they will stay until they are healthy enough to live on the outside world on their own with their parents.  I am essentially babysitting for 9 months. When you babysit- you agree to care for and love the child as if it were your own, because their parents can't be with them.  The mother of these babies can not grow them..she can not watch them grow inside her- so I have given her babies a safe place to reside for the 9 months until both the babies and their parents can be together.

I try to have patients for people who ask me this questions, I try to explain in the best way possible that I am not giving babies away- but just the comment in itself has started to rub me the wrong way. The babies are not mine to give away... they are not mine.

This "job" is not easy... Its not like I just woke up one day and was like hmmm, I think today I will just have some babies inside me that I can give away when I am all done.  In fact, it started with lots of reading... reading about what I would need to do- what this required of me, of my family of my kids.  The shots, the travel, the appointments, the time off work- the meds....  I take pills for months on end, injections in the belly and in the booty...  Its not something I jumped into- the testing, the screening, finding the perfect match and navigating the early bounds of that relationship turned friendship...

I would love for every person who thinks that what I am doing is giving a baby away to just stop before they say that to me (again) and think about the situation if it were reversed.  Would you feel like the person who was helping you have a baby was giving a baby away?  If all you ever wanted to was to have a baby- to be a mom and you were told you couldn't...  someone was there to carry your baby inside them for 9 months, willing to poke themselves, go to the Dr, have the tiredness, the morning sickness, labor and delivery just so you could have the family you always dreamed of- would you feel like the person helping you was giving away a baby? 

I don't pretend to know everything about this journey and my feelings and how this will go for the next 8 months, what I do know is that helping this couple achieve their dream of having a baby is something that takes strength, and courage and a heart.  Something that not everyone can do- and I get that.  Perhaps instead of being so quick to judge us " people who give babies away" you should just stop and think about if you had never been able to have your children would you want someone to give you a baby??  Someone to help you make your family?

This turned into a rant and for that I am sorry- I just get so upset with closed minded people who are so fixated on giving a baby away- that's all they see.  If my 10 year old can see the good and tell people how proud she is of her mom- maybe we should stop letting the outside influences dictate how we feel and look at things a little simpler, like through the eyes of a 10 year old- who only knows that this mommies belly is broken and my belly works- so we are keeping a baby safe in there until the baby is big enough to live on the outside with its mommy and daddy.


  1. This is beautifully written...may I share on my blog?

  2. Lovely post. And spot on - we hear this question constantly! People even ask my husband if it was hard to give the baby away. Seriously? HE'S NOT OUR BABY!!! :)
    I know most people don't intend it to be insulting or rude, but it's hard not to get stuck on it when they use those words "give away". Some more tactful people in my life have asked if it was "hard to say goodbye" and while that is a MUCH nicer question, the answer is still no. It wasn't hard. It was honestly wonderful for me. I was so overwhelmingly happy for the parents in that moment, happy was the only emotion I could have.

  3. I love hearing about how children understand surrogacy. They get it on a level that we seem to lose as we get older. Children accept that mommy is helping another mommy have a baby. I love how simple and pure it is for them.

  4. I think someone like you is a blessing to other people like me and my husband. We have tried for 14 years to have a baby with no luck Unless you have experienced this then you have no idea how heartbreaking this can be. We still haven't had any luck but people like you are what give people like us some hope. Thanks for all the sacrifices you have made to make other peoples dreams come true. Maybe one of these days our dream will come true too!