Monday, February 27, 2012

Negative

Well... thats what my Beta came back. Negative.

I haven't posted much since the transfer, as I took home test after home test and they all came back negative. I knew that the transfer was not a success and it was sad to face that. I didn't want to face that! I just wanted so badly for this to work.

The positive is we will try again. I don't know how long it will take, I don't know what we will change, but I will just hope and pray that it works this time and I can help J and M on the journey to having a precious baby in their arms!

Disappointment stinks, no matter how much you prepare yourself for it, and I don't think we ever know how sad our hearts will be when it doesn't work the first time... but it stung, I blamed myself, my body, going back to work too soon, doing too much too soon... You want so badly for things to work out- and when they don't with no explanation you just find someone/something to blame. Its a rough journey and I wish it was smooth sailing the entire time. But its not, in this infertility world, nothing is fair... nothing is promise that it will work- nothing has an explainable reason.

I am dedicated to helping J and M become parents and the saddness that I felt in her texts and the disappointment was heart breaking. I just want to help - I want to give them the child they deserve.

It will be a little scarier the second time, and I will be a little more cautiuos, taking more time off work, doing less and just resting more... it never hurts right?

Saturday, February 11, 2012

In the 2WW (two week wait)

Well, I am offically in the two week wait. I am 3dp3dt (3 days past a 3 day transfer). I haven't really felt any different and I am dying to take a home pregnancy test, but for some reason, I also just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to see a negative, but I don't at the same time know why I expect it this early. I have read a ton and people can get postitive tests somewhere between 5-7 days after a 3 day transfer. I am really hoping that this works. I just can't even begin to imagine how much heartbreak J and M will feel if it doesn't work the first time.

My trip to the east coast went well. I was so nervous to meet my IP's, I just really didn't know what to expect. It was a really big blessing that my friend Michelle was able to come with me. She is so outgoing and friendly and truely knows no stranger that she helped get things opened up betweek all of us really quickly! We arrived on Tuesday night and J and M picked us up for dinner, we had a wonderful dinner and the conversation flowed very well smoothly for most of the night. J had no decided if she was going to the transfer, I think because we are both so new at this we just didn't know... I wanted her to come, but didn't want her to think I couldn't go by myself and she wanted to go- but didn't want to make things weird for me. In the end I am super happy that she went, in big part thanks to Michelle, for telling her at dinner that she needed to come, because it was her big day!

Wendesday my appt was supposed to be at 10:30, they told me to be there at 10, J picked us up at 9:40 and we headed to the clinic where we sat forever! Finally the transfer at 12:15pm! I was nervous, but everything went well. We transfered 2 3 day embroyes, with a grade of 1 and 1.5, with 1 being the best and I guess 3 being the worst?? J and I were joking and talking the whole time, which was really nice, Igot to learn a little more about her and she learned a little about me. We are very similar in alot of our thinking and she was shocked that I knew so much about being a surro and the things that both she and I had gone through! After the transfer we went to lunch at TGIFridays, and I was so hungry I couldn't even wait to eat. I however didn't want to pee the whole day, so I held that as long as possible. I don't think the nurse thought it was funny when I asked if I had walk around with my legs crossed all day so they wouldn't fall out! That was after 30 minutes of being in bed with my butt in the air! After lunch it was back to the hotel to rest and I stayed in bed most of the day! Michelle and I ordered pizza for dinner and just vegged out! It was nice ending to a very good but stressful trip!

I sheduled for my beta test on 2.21, so I can't wait to see how that goes! Its going to be a long 2 weeks, hoping that it flies by and that I can pee on some sticks and get a positive before then...

Stay tuned...