Monday, May 28, 2012

"Giving a baby away"

I feel like this blog is needed to explain or perhaps help people understand that I am not "giving away a baby".  I hear this expression a lot- how are you just going to give away a baby.  I don't expect people to understand.   I don't even know if its possible for people to understand unless they have the desire to do it-  Unless you want to be a surrogate and you want to help someone in this way- then you might feel like people are just giving away babies...

I am not giving away a baby.  The baby(babies) that are currently growing inside my belly are not mine.  They do not belong to me... Sure- they are inside me... where they will stay until they are healthy enough to live on the outside world on their own with their parents.  I am essentially babysitting for 9 months. When you babysit- you agree to care for and love the child as if it were your own, because their parents can't be with them.  The mother of these babies can not grow them..she can not watch them grow inside her- so I have given her babies a safe place to reside for the 9 months until both the babies and their parents can be together.

I try to have patients for people who ask me this questions, I try to explain in the best way possible that I am not giving babies away- but just the comment in itself has started to rub me the wrong way. The babies are not mine to give away... they are not mine.

This "job" is not easy... Its not like I just woke up one day and was like hmmm, I think today I will just have some babies inside me that I can give away when I am all done.  In fact, it started with lots of reading... reading about what I would need to do- what this required of me, of my family of my kids.  The shots, the travel, the appointments, the time off work- the meds....  I take pills for months on end, injections in the belly and in the booty...  Its not something I jumped into- the testing, the screening, finding the perfect match and navigating the early bounds of that relationship turned friendship...

I would love for every person who thinks that what I am doing is giving a baby away to just stop before they say that to me (again) and think about the situation if it were reversed.  Would you feel like the person who was helping you have a baby was giving a baby away?  If all you ever wanted to was to have a baby- to be a mom and you were told you couldn't...  someone was there to carry your baby inside them for 9 months, willing to poke themselves, go to the Dr, have the tiredness, the morning sickness, labor and delivery just so you could have the family you always dreamed of- would you feel like the person helping you was giving away a baby? 

I don't pretend to know everything about this journey and my feelings and how this will go for the next 8 months, what I do know is that helping this couple achieve their dream of having a baby is something that takes strength, and courage and a heart.  Something that not everyone can do- and I get that.  Perhaps instead of being so quick to judge us " people who give babies away" you should just stop and think about if you had never been able to have your children would you want someone to give you a baby??  Someone to help you make your family?


This turned into a rant and for that I am sorry- I just get so upset with closed minded people who are so fixated on giving a baby away- that's all they see.  If my 10 year old can see the good and tell people how proud she is of her mom- maybe we should stop letting the outside influences dictate how we feel and look at things a little simpler, like through the eyes of a 10 year old- who only knows that this mommies belly is broken and my belly works- so we are keeping a baby safe in there until the baby is big enough to live on the outside with its mommy and daddy.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Twinkles

Yesterday I had my first U/S!  I am a nervous Nancy, so it was a little scary going into that room waiting and just hoping that everything was ok.  I was lucky that my wonderful friend Deanna came with me so she could keep me positive.  She is my rock.  The Dr. took forever to get into the room, the nurse came in and said that they had some things come up.  I think we were there in the room with my naked waiting for this appt for a good 30 minutes before he came in.  That is when I was really glad that Deanna was with me.

After the Dr. came in, he asked me the normal questions, how are you feeling, what were your beta test numbers...  The Dr. started the U/S and began looking around.  After a few minutes the questions started to get more intense and a little worrisome...  How many did you transfer, where they fresh or frozen, from an egg donor or the mother, how old is the mother....


A few minutes later, he said well it worked wonderfully...  And this is what he showed us...



Yup... you are seeing that right.... not one baby-- but two...  two little babies growing inside my belly.  I think I just kept saying, that's good stuff...  It work...  I was 6weeks 2days when this U/S was done, so although we could see the heartbeat the little flicker of it- we couldn't hear it.  The Dr. says that both are measuring good and that baby B is a little bigger than Baby A, which he assures me is common.  Baby A would be delivered first.

I think everyone is in shock and its still really early so anything can happen... taking it one day and one step at time.  I go back next Friday for another U/S.  We shall see what happens then...

Stay tuned for more as we navigate through the waters for the first trimester....morning sickness, mood swings and being tired as all get out!

Friday, May 11, 2012

1616.8

1616.8 was my second BETA number...

Things are moving in the right direction, up- the number should double every 48 ish hours and my number almost tripled!  I am couldn't have been happier to get that result back!  This has been a good week.  Things are moving forward and after the journey I have had to get to this place with a failed match, a surgery, a failed transfer, I finally feel strangly at ease with where things are. 

Don't get me wrong, I am nervous, this isn't my baby and its not my life in the palm of my hands, I am carry a baby for someone else- letting someone else's baby rest inside me until its safe for him/her to live in the world and although I couldn't be more excited for this, its also scary.  I guess maybe I feel like i put more pressure on myself to make sure that everything is perfect.. Its one thing to mess up your own kids, but to mess up someone else's baby...  I am sure you know what I mean.  During my own pregnancies vitamins were something that at some point I just didn't do anymore.  With this baby, I freak out if I think I am going to miss taking them!  

I want to give J and M, the baby that their hearts and arms long for.  I cant wait to hear/see the looks on their faces when they hear the heartbeat for the first time, see their baby on the U/S, feel their baby kick for the first time, and in the end hear that baby cry for the first time and hold him/her in their arms, kissing and loving this precious baby.

I am happy... I know that I will continue to worry about each upcoming appt and milestone, but this has been one of the best weeks of my life!  :)

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

We are having a baby!

  Today was our beta test!  Now lets talk about some nerves!  I had asked the Dr. office if I could be the one to call Jane and tell her the news.  I really wanted her to hear it from someone who cared and was excited for her!  They agreed.  I had to go to work after the test.  I had my blood drawn at 730am, and they said the results would be ready in an hour!  Knowing that information was both good and bad.  In a bad way I really checked my phone like 22 times today, just waiting for a phone call!   In a good way- when I emailed the clinic and they said they hadn't gotten the results, I knew to call the lab and find out what was going on...  Turns out the order had been completed, just not faxed...enter some more waiting and going crazy, she faxed it while I was on the phone and an hour later I checked my phone... 

Positive Beta number of 581.1, now to me, I have no idea what this number actually means other than "you are pregnant"  so- here we are!


I was so excited to call J, that I was shaking.  She answered the phone very quiet...  As she tells me she was in surgery on a difficult case... I said something along the lines of "do you want to have a baby", I am sure she must of said huh or something like that, because I proceeded to repeat myself, and she said "yes" and I said well, thats good- because you are having a baby!!!  She was speachless and couldn't say much.  I told her I had just gotten the results from the Dr. office and that I had asked them to let me tell you- she just kept saying its positive, you made my day!  I have to call M.  I started crying and thankfully my friend Deanna was with me for the phone call and hugged me!

I decided to send them this picture tonight.  Everyone deserves to have a positive test picture.  Its not real until you see it, and since she can't see it--

Sending this email to them and telling her over the phine is a day I will never forget- I truely lucky to be helping this family have a baby and I couldn't be more excited for this day!!!  Today my friends was truely a good day!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Shhhh...Can you keep a secret??!

Well, today was 7dp5dt (7days past a 5 day transfer).  Everything has been going fine, besides me going crazy wanting to test!  I have been unusually tired, and had some awful heartburn, but I chalked it up to things being crazy busy at work- and the fact that I have been drinking OJ every morning for breakfast!  Then this afternoon I went to the bathroom at work and there was a little bit of blood on the TP.  I natually started to freak out- because I shouldn't even be getting a period with all the meds I am on, and so my mind thought - am I pregnant and something is wrong.  So, I broke down and went to the store, I bought a test and took it.
And sure enough this was the result!  A postitive home test!!  (Hey I am pretty proud I figured out how to edit the picture and add the numbers!)   The line looks great and I plan on testing again in the morning to see if the line gets darker...  I have since gone to the restroom- well twice actually and had a little more- nasty discharge.  I am pretty sure its some implantation bleeding or breakthrough bleeding, I am taking it easy tonight and I have the next few days off work- so hopefully I can get through the days and make it to the BETA test on Tuesday without pulling my hair out! 

I couldn't be happier.  I know its early and anything is possible, but truely this is my dream.  I want to send a picture to J more than anything in the world... I hope that she is as thrilled as I am when she hears that we are pregnant and that this is the most uneventful 9 months of my life!